How Trauma and Pain Motivated Me to TAKE THE JUMP
STOP PUTTING IT OFF, YEAH YOU! I do it to. I procrastinate the MOST important things because I admit it, I AM TOO SCARED TO START THEM. It’s true! But this article should get you to rethink this procrastination and never look back.
I was 19 when I almost DIED. This was a time in my life where I felt like I was getting everything WRONG. I got a ticket on my car almost every day, I was living with roommates that were mean to me and purposely left me out. I was not clean, not organized, unsure who I was, and most of my time was used debating on whether or not I wanted to be in college or drop out and go travel with no plan in sight. With the constant Adderall I was popping to focus in school and crippling anxiety I was getting, nothing seemed good, and I felt like I was in a cave rather than a tunnel with the light at the end. My life was slowly crumbling, and I had no idea how to handle it. I felt like I was in an UNLUCKY strike. Like someone had pointed at my life and said, “lets fuck it up!” I know now that it was in an unlucky strike because I was negative, and my negativity was causing a snowball effect of negatively all around me. I was naive and ignorant and needed a wakeup call. So, the UNLUCKY 3 event in my life came to WAKE ME UP. 1. A Car accident, 2. Trauma 3. Getting diagnosed with chronic pain.
As a white girl I had had a privileged life, full of fortunate outcomes and an easily lined up life path set out for me. I didn’t have many difficulties in my life. And for that, I needed this storm of pain to WAKE ME UP.
1. A car accident of near death was the eye opener. While this is not something ANYONE wants to go through it was my “saving grace”. Getting hit by a reckless and incapacitated driver on a bridge going 65 mph brought me to my breaking point. The car smashed up to my seat as the car behind me flipped and I slide into the side of the bridges railing my persona of “keeping it all together” and “toughing it out” was shattered. I couldn’t keep up the “I am happy” persona any longer. I broke into tears and as I sporadically screamed bloody hell while my boyfriend pulled me out of the car mirror. This day in my life COULD HAVE BEEN MY LAST. Easily, more likely than not. It was a miracle that the car smushed up right to my seat and stopped at me. After this occurred, I kept seeing the number “320”. After looking it up I was relieved to read that I meant “that angels are looking over you, and you are here on earth for a reason.” This was STRANGE but for someone who had just nearly died, I grasped onto anything that kept me feeling safe at that point. The PTSD and anxiety in a car now was no fun but the realization that I have this one day now and NO promise of tomorrow rang in my head.
2. Trauma. Trauma does it to you folks. How can I explain this? Well I was an ignorant and naive youth, as we all are. And watching the evil and hate in the world that year was the last straw. I had recently gone to Bahamas for a spring break trip (because that’s what you are supposed to do right?) when I was assaulted by a local that lived there. Not knowing all the feelings, I was feeling toward men after this trip I soon learned Trump had just gotten elected as President. This is after knowing he was in fact charged with assault reports and quotes such as “Grab her by the pussy.” These events at one point felt like fears in my head but had turned into realities. These events made me turn into the Boss Lady I am. I could not handle being put down and poked out by men and wanted to stand up for myself and show the world how powerful women and I am.
3. Now not long after I was diagnosed with CHRONIC pain every time I peed. Yes, how uncomfortable. Here’s something fun, the female reproductive systems have hundreds of chronic issues that are “incurable” and really unidentiable these days. And here I was labeled as one of them, patience 13948. They said I had Endometriosis, they said I had chronic UTI, they said I have chronic inflammation of my bladder, the list goes on. I don’t know what was worse, the amount of doctors I went through, the different answers I got at every one, the hundreds of cures I tried (even a shot up my cervix!), or the repeated answer of “incurable” and “chronic” ringing in my head. I dealt with sever chronic pain for around 2 years. 2 years of no answers, 2 years of constant misery, 2 years of hating myself and my body.
These 3 UNLUCKY events changed my whole life. Instead of feeling like a normal teen I felt like I had aged 100 years. MY constant pain, my near-death experience, and my traumatic experience made me sick of life. This is where MINDSET came into play. While all these things truly did SUCK, I started looking at it all in a different way. “What if I could turn my pain into fuel to motivate me to start living my dream life?” And that is EXACTLY what I did. I used the pain and said it was that little push I needed every day to remind me I could die tomorrow, or I could lose my legs, I could lose the ability to speak, but TODAY I COULD, so TODAY I WOULD. I started putting my dreams first and forcing my fears to the background. I started using my money, time and energy for my future and my goals instead of focusing on partying or being popular. I was determined to live the life I wanted, and I was done putting it off and letting life control me rather than me being in control of my life.
I found manifestation, law of attraction, self-love, and holistic tools that because my ladder out of my rut, and soon my wings to a brighter self and future. So anytime I doubted myself I would just do it before I could think. I bought that ticket to Hawaii WITHOUT THINKING because that’s what I wanted to do always, why wait longer? I talked to that STRANGER at the grocery store because I COULD DIE TOMORROW, and that later led me to live in a home on the beach, and a job managing an Airbnb. I resisted the hate of the internet and ignored the shaming and CREATED online because that was my PASSION. I did all these things while in pain, while suffering, but used it as a tool to dig out not to dig myself further into a hole. It is ALL about perspective. Once I changed my perspective and started thinking positively, started REACTING, CREATING, and TAKING THE JUMP, my trauma healed, my pain healed, my hate healed. And once I opened my eyes and looked around I what I CREATED I found love, a community, my soul, my passions, my dreams, and a place of abundance rather than lack.
Everyone has a story, all that matters is what you do with it.